i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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