You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
