Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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