No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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