We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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