but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
