Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
handjob tips. give me some.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
