My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
