and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
