he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
