I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
