upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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