Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
false alarm, still single
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