So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
