went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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