I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
