thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize