I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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