and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
