maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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