i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
