I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You may now shotgun with the bride
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
