I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
