dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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