I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
