Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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