Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
