Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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