all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
