on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i will never coherently bang her
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
