oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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