Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
