there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
