He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
