It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
