I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
this just has baby written all over it
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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