I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
