We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
