just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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