I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I want to be your penis for a week.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Randomize
