i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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