Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
