all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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