I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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