So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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