Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
