Just fell off a train. Bad.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
