She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
