T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
