Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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