My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Randomize
