It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
