I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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