Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
