God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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