I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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