I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
