Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
This toilet bowl is my home.
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