Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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