When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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