Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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