saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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