Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
