plz talk dirty to me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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