If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
