He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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