I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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