from now on my penis is your penis
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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