You know, be my cock's hype man.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
